On Saturday I volunteered to work at the annual carnival of the high school I graduated from in Hawaii. When I arrived at the booth, the person checking people in instructed me to wash my hands, put on a hat, don an apron, and slip on some gloves. As I finished getting ready to get down and dirty at the malasada (Portuguese sugar doughnut) booth, one of the students came up to me and asked if I could help pull the malasadas out of the hot oil and shake off the excess oil.
So I went over to my station where an alumnus introduced himself to me. He said, “Hey my name is T.J.” I looked over at him and said, “Hey my name is Maximus, Gluteus Maximus.” I’m just kidding, I told him my name was Aaron and then we proceeded to get to work. As we were pulling the malasadas out of the oil we began to have a conversation.
Things went back and forth. We talked about what job fields we were in, how long we had been on the “mainland,” as we call it here in Hawaii, other things you might talk about in a conversation with someone new, and about what brought each of us back to Hawaii. Things were going well and we seemed to be building a rapport with each other.
After a while I was getting extremely hot from being so close to the oil, that I decided to switch to the sugaring station. While I was there my friend and I were talking with each other and we noticed that little bits of the malasadas would come off sometimes. At first the people around me and I were just disposing of the small pieces, but then we decided to sugar them up so that we could have a snack.
We also decided to share our snacks. Whenever the guy carrying the water pitcher came to refill our water, we’d give him a couple of pieces. As a result, he came back to us more frequently, which was great, because we were all dying of thirst. As things moved along, I noticed that T.J., back at the hot oil station, was taking halves and chunks of malasadas, and piling them up near his station. There must have been two big gallon ziplock bags full of malasada chunks sitting on the side. Apparently, he had caught on to what the sugaring station people were doing.
Later on, T.J. came up to me and asked if we could put some sugar on his malasada pieces. I looked over at his huge pile and our now non-existent pile of malasada pieces and said, “Sure, do you think could send a few our way as well?” He said, “Yeah yeah, we’ll see.” Thinking that he would spare a few of his glut of malasada chunks with us, I was soon disappointed.
In Part 1 of The 3 Pillars of Network we discussed Building Networks. Part 2 talked about Leveraging Networks. In Part 3, we’ll explore the importance of reciprocating in you networks and how to go about doing so.
Don’t be a T.J.
When someone helps you out, return the favor and reciprocate. After this incident, my opinion of T.J. changed completely. How could a grown adult be so petty as to hoard a bunch of malasada halves and not share them with other people, even after soliciting our help? For a second I thought we were back in kindergarten. Had he asked for anything else that day I would have deferred it to someone else.
Sometimes you aren’t able to reciprocate, and that’s ok
You may not always be able to help someone in your network. It may be that you simply don’t have the access or resources in which to do so. Don’t feel bad, but also make sure that it’s because you are unable to rather than because you are too lazy to help. T.J. had the ability and resources to share with the sugaring station people that were helping him out, he simply chose not to reciprocate.
If you truly are unable to help, apologize and give him or her a brief explanation as to why you cannot help the person. If you simply say that you aren’t able to help the person, they might think of the wrong reason why. Be clear and honest about the reason. Be careful not to be overly apologetic, however, because if the person doesn’t know or understand you too well, you risk giving the impression that you could be lying. When considering how much to apologize, take a look at your cultural context as well. In some cultures, if you aren’t apologizing many times, it could seem that you are not sincere.
The first time someone requests your help is the most important
Though the above situation applies in most circumstances, it does not apply to the first opportunity for you to help someone or reciprocate. Unless you absolutely cannot do something, you MUST help the person out the first time. First impressions are very important, so much that it warrants a separate article. Remember that whichever way you choose to respond that first time sets a precedent and an expectation. Create a positive tone to the relationship by helping the person out to the greatest of your ability, and they will have a positive view of you. We are much more likely to help people that we have a good opinion of rather than someone we think is using us. When you don’t reciprocate, it is likely people will sever ties with you.
When you don’t reciprocate, you sever ties
Sure, you may not always be able to reciprocate within your network, but be sure to help at some point. If you always refuse to help someone, eventually the person will stop helping you. Recall from the previous articles that networking is about mutual gain. If a person in your network is constantly putting their resources at your disposal and you don’t give back, the relationship becomes parasitic rather than mutually beneficial. At this point, many people will simply choose to sever ties with you. On the flip side, when you do return the favor, you build a good rapport.
Reciprocating strengthens bonds
The frequency and the quality of helping each other out strengthens the relationship. There is something about giving yourself to another person and them giving a part of him or herself to you that creates a connection. When people have needs and someone is able to fulfill those needs and you are able to fulfill his or her needs, it is like two puzzle pieces interlocking with each other. Things just fit together.
Over time, as there is more repetition in giving and receiving, the behavior becomes second nature. You just automatically engage without thinking about what you are doing. As you improve the relationship dynamic with people in your network and you become closer partners, make sure you maintain the respect and consideration the person deserves.
Do not expect the person to reciprocate
Even when you build a strong rapport with someone, it is necessary to consider each exchange as though it were one of the first. We talked about respect in previous parts and Why You Should Respect Everyone, and in reciprocating in networks it still remains true. Reciprocate, but don’t expect the person to reciprocate. That would be akin to giving someone a gift and expecting something back. You should want to help someone out independently of their helping you out. On the other hand, make sure that you are not being used. If the person shows a pattern of disappearing all the time, when you need help, it could be a sign of a parasitic relationship. In this case, you might consider being the one to sever the mutual gain ties, though you should never burn your bridges. In fact, it’s a good idea to be proactive about helping others out.
Be proactive, offer your help instead of waiting for the person to ask
Instead of waiting for the person to ask for your help, you can reciprocate by offering to help. It is much easier for someone to get your help if you offer it to him. In this way, he doesn’t have to feel bad about asking, knowing that you’ve already opened the door. Open the door and invite the person inside. You’ll give her a great impression and she will be much more likely to want to accommodate you as well. Seeing others who are eager to help is infectious. It makes us want to do the same.
Perhaps you might want to even surprise someone by anticipating a need and fulfilling it for them.
Anticipate the needs of people in your network
Sometimes it’s nice to anticipate the needs of people in your network when reciprocating. As you strengthen relationships and build a good rapport, you’ll understand the people in your network much better. You’ll be equipped to understand what a person needs and this is a great way to strengthen bonds as well.
For example, say you’re out with a friend and she is waiting in line to order your coffee while you use the bathroom. The line happens to be long, but fortunately for you, she knows that you want the Vanilla latte. Then after she receives your latte, she also knows that you want two and a half pumps of liquid sugar, about a teaspoon of cinnamon, and one extra cream in your latte. You get back to your friend, grab your cup, and proceed to put all the extras in, but she stops you to let you know she had already put those things in for you. You look at her in astonishment and feel good about things.
The same is true in your networks. When you anticipate people’s needs you create a positive bond.
Dont’ be a T.J. Always help as much as you can and people will want to help you as well. Try not to expect someone to return the favor and be careful to avoid a parasitic relationship.
Just remember, build, leverage, reciprocate!
